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Something I've been working on

Okay, I've been adding entries to this thread on the Anime Addventure, as a way to try and hone my writing skills. I'd like some people to try and look at it, 'cause I'd like to know how I'm writing.

My posts start here and go on through, with this as a sort of bit of flavour regarding one art of the story the last writer started.

I'd like to know what's wrong with my prose, and how to improve it, so if people can take a look...

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